Here is a very interesting book, Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, that I recently read and thought you would like to know about.  Author Lori Gottlieb writes in an entertaining and informed way about her search for a husband.  I recommend this book for both our single and married Blackbelt fans.  It has some very interesting ideas. Here are a few samples:

* Most of us use romantic feelings and feeling good as a criterion for a relationship, rather than honesty, dependability, similar values, and kindness. 

*Your judgment of people will fool you and limit the people who could enrich your life. 

*We all are spoiled and have a sense of entitlement that makes us unhappy with any adversity or problem that comes along: “I don’t deserve this.”

*Our past experiences will predict our future unless we attend some valid seminars or obtain coaching in order to break through this pattern. 

* Arranged marriages and conventional marriages have about the same divorce rate. Indicating that people with similar values and goals can “learn” to love each other. Feeling the hormonal feeling of being “in love” comes and goes.

* “Perfect” is the enemy of happy.

There are some other great lessons for both single and married people in this book.  Throughout the book, Lori is in search of a husband.  As she progresses in the book, she begins to understand that the problem is herself.  At first she is very picky and hyper critical, “I deserve the best” is how she approaches all the men she meets.  None of them meet her standards. So after turning down men for their looks, height, jobs, hobbies, hair, how they chew their food (and generally just every trait), she realizes that there is no one left! 

Comment and Lesson:

If you are on this Web site, you probably realize that the first place to look, when things are not what we want, is our level of commitment to the outcome.  Given Lori’s search in this book, it becomes very clear that while she says she wants a committed, long-term relationship, she has difficulty making any significant personal shifts within herself to get it.

Whatever the reason for her reluctance to have a relationship, it shows up as this self-centered and judgmental attitude that simply says, “ What is this person going to do for me?” (To her credit she is working really hard at moving toward the direction of personal responsibility, and her honesty in the book is wonderful.)

Instead of “What are you going to do for me?” we can change our outlook entirely and say “How do I create myself as someone others are attracted to?” or “What can I add to this relationship?”  To use the jargon: How can I be a “space” for honesty, dependability, trust, and kindness?  How do I become a place where others feel their value and self worth?

This applies to all of us who are married.  Are we becoming hypercritical and upset because of things that, in the long run, don’t really matter?  Are we ready to pack in a relationship because of romantic and unrealistic expectations that we think occur “out there” but are mainly fantasies that occur in magazines, movies, and the Internet?  How about the expectation that a relationship should always be like the first three months we fell in love?  Can any spouse live up to that fantasy every moment?

I also think that it is important not to downplay our commitment to God and ourselves that we originally made as husband and wife.  This is a “sacred oath” that is the foundation that sees us through hard times and great times.  This commitment should take precedence over all our judgments and self-indulgence.  Never stay in an abusive or physically dangerous situation, but also, don’t bail out because they aren’t Prince or Princess Charming.

 I am not saying that you should settle for a mediocre relationship.  We at Blackbelt are about extraordinary relationships.  But sometimes boring and routine is all right if it comes with dependability, kindness, and commitment.  If a relationship is boring or routine, it is our responsibility, not our spouse’s, to bring more to the game.

In conclusion, I learned a great deal from Lori’s well-written and well-researched book.  I know without a doubt that relationship is the new wealth of this century.  We should guard it like the treasure that it is.

Join us for our free Blackbelt webcasts every two weeks, and join the Blackbelt Fan Page on Facebook. 

2010 is the Year of Extraordinary Relationships.

 We appreciate you. Patrick and Nancy Dean

Filed under: Relationship Discussion