Tania asks; “Disagreements between spouses and in-laws can deeply impact a relationship and overall feeling throughout a family circle and I would love to hear how you would address these issues whilst maintaining the strength in your own relationship.”

Thanks for the great question.

For the most part, you are in control of how you react to situations. No one can force you to feel or think any certain way. This is simple but a very profound realization for most of us. However, since childhood we have learned to let others make us feel good.  Since they can do that, they can also make us feel bad. When we continue this pattern of thinking we then become victims to situations that are outside ourselves.  I think being grown up means being able to understand the power we give others and to be able to regulate and moderate the amount that others opinions, ideas and feelings influence us. Basically how we react to in-laws is our responsibility not theirs.

Now given what I have just said, some people make it really hard to live with them. These difficult people are a real gift and an opportunity to practice “compassionate detachment.”  Compassionate detachment is the practice of controlling our state of mind so that it is an honest expression of who we are and at the same time represents our personal principles and values. Compassionate detachment means instead of allowing ourselves to be drawn into mind games and emotional entanglements, we realize that whatever may be going on is their issue and not necessarily our own.

How do you practice this?  First you train yourself consistently to react less physically to negative situations, then you train yourself to use language that represents strength and fairness and is not a language that makes others feel wrong or bad. You also learn to stand your ground and walk away from situations that consistently require you to play some “game”. Finally you develop a deep understanding that many people don’t realize that they do not have to manipulate and judge others for attention or love. These behaviors are just a reaction when people feel, at a deep level, insignificant. Our job in relationship is to love without giving up our principles. It is also to love people so that they feel significant without all the games, stories and other manipulations.

Amazingly, when you don’t “play”, the others tend to give up the game. The person who acts from a place of compassion, strength and courage can change an attitude of a whole room full of people.

There is so much more to learn in creating extraordinary relationship, we cover this in our seminar, Relationship 1^st. Check the web site and email us for information and to enroll.

I hope this short answer has assisted you.  Patrick

Filed under: Relationship Discussion