“Communication does not mean what you think it does. I am not referring here to the mass of words and other motions that are attempting to create the truth from what is not true. I am referring to real communication. I am referring to real communication that reflects the truth.”
~ R. Smothermon, Winning through Enlightenment
One of the most difficult parts of being in a relationship is understanding and expressing the “real truth.” What “real truth” means is what “really” is going on between two people when all the stories, façades, dominations, and manipulations have been removed. To do this effectively (remove all this stuff), you have developed enough awareness of yourself to understand the place “within yourself” from which you communicate. For example, you can communicate from your controlling self, from your insecure self, from your loving self, from your low self-worth self, or from your child self. Each one of these “selves” develops a story with which to communicate. Many times this story is designed to make the teller right about the way life turned out, and why they are the way they are.
Sometimes we don’t ever feel like we are going to get our way without a good story to tell. I am not talking here about the story like “Little Red Riding Hood” or the story of your summer vacation. I am taking about stories that we use to define ourselves. These are stories that we have put together from our past that we are usually profoundly and deeply attached to. At the most radical end of the scale is the belief that we are our story and without it we are nobody.
A good story is like a well thought-out reason. It gives us a reason (excuse) for the way our life turned out.
Here is a small personal example: I often heard as a child “You are not good at math.” Later in life my wife does the taxes because I am “not good at math.” I now have a reason not to learn the complex task of doing taxes. I also am unsure of myself around even easy math, like making change or even playing cards. With the “I am not good at math story” in place, I can easily avoid any situation in which I would have to use math, so I never have to get better at it. The whole math story is self-perpetuating. Most stories have a self-perpetuating nature.
It is obvious that some people have a predisposition toward being better at some things than others, but for the most part our stories are just reasons for us to not try something different or to take a risk.
One example of a risk in a relationship is the understanding and expression of the real truth when you are with someone. Radical honesty is a risky practice. It is the risk that happens when you really communicate authentically. It is difficult for many people to even imagine standing as our true selves in a relationship—telling the truth and asking for what we really want. When we are talking about radical honesty we are not talking about a harsh kind of blurting out of everything on your mind, but the truth expressed with compassion. True communication comes with the understanding that every communication has an effect on other people and we are responsible for that effect.
So the challenge here is to unravel all the conscious and unconscious stories, and put them aside. True communication is a physical, spiritual, and emotional experience. If you touch that truth in yourself, you can touch it in other people. Actually practicing true communication opens a place in others where they might not even realize that it has happened.
As I said in the first paragraph, what is meant by real truth is what is “really” going on between two people when all the stories, façades, dominations, and manipulations have been removed. The “practice” is first to become aware, dump some of these facades and stories, and then to practice radical honesty. The magic is that true communication happens outside of time and a story, and is one of the greatest pleasures of life. Enjoy that pleasure. It will create a more honest, stress-free relationship.
Being radically honest is a learned practice. If you want to create extraordinary relationships join us for our “Dojo of Radical Honesty” tele/webinars.
Check out our products page at blackbeltinrelationship.com or e-mail me at patrick@blackbeltinrelationship.com.
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Thanks to all of you who participated on the call. Here is the homework. These are the discussions that you can have with your relationship. Radically honest and open talks about these topics about these should get you both in alignment to create abundance in 2010! You deserve it!
