For committed couples: If you want more sexual intimacy, talk more. According to article in Men’s Heath Magazine, Sept. Couples spend more time talking with other people about their sexuality than they do talking with each other. Sharing intimate facts about yourself or even complaining to others often creates distance between people and they may not know why. Comments?

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Sometimes we say to ourselves “I wish I didn’t have any problems”. I think we have all thought or said this a sometime. In this short blog we would like to talk about another perspective on problems. One of the most heartbreaking things Nancy and I have experienced in thirty years of relationship and leadership training is a person who has never experienced a major setback in life. People who have never really had anything go wrong, or have never had any major challenges in life, are totally lost when life does serve up a major problem. They are bewildered and resentful that “it could happen to them.” They are often at a loss as to what the next step should be and are confused when life “turns against” them. Never having had a real problem to solve leaves people feeling helpless and vulnerable. In a relationship, they don’t know how to handle money problems, sickness, loneliness, or any other issue that couples typically face.

Another way to look at problems: Problems and challenges build character. Problems contribute positively to our abilities. Although difficult when dealing with them, problems give us opportunities to practice patience and compassion. The real gauge of how you are doing is if the same problem occurs over and over. If this is the case, it is time to get some coaching or training. If you have a different or even bigger problem, it means you are moving forward in life!

In relationship problems, whether external or within the relationship, there are opportunities to operate from a position of honesty and trust and take effective action. With practice you will get better and better at solving life’s problems.

If you approach your problems with the knowledge that you are going to learn something and that this has value, it becomes easier to solve.  Our couples coaching is always based on solving and learning from problems in such a way that the same proble is much easier to solve next time. Patrick and Nancy

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“All Couples should practice the art of battle”,  Ann Landers.

Sometimes when you are living together over a period of time you look at the other person and you just want to bring to their attention everything they are doing that you don’t like. You don’t like their habits, personal hygiene, speech, how they eat, what they watch on television, how they raise the kids or how they spend money and about a million other things. Your frustration grows and pressure builds and one day you just let it go!  This process is normal. It also may trigger in the other person their issues they have with you.

Now you are off and running in a battle.

There is a difference between good battle and bad battle. A good battle should end by clearing the air and reconfirmation of your commitment and love . A good battle always opens up new doors of understanding. In contrast a bad battle leaves wreckage, resentment and doesn’t seem to be over, even if it is over.

The trick is to have a good battle and not a bad one.

Here are the elements of a good battle:

1. The other person never doubts your love for them. You don’t use threats of leaving them, withholding sex or making their life miserable in some way as a way of getting them to change.

2. A good battle is based in clearing the air. Making other people wrong about who they are is not a smart move on your part. You may not like their behavior or attitude but these things are not really who they are at a core level. A person is much more than their behavior or actions. Attacking someone by making it “really personal” creates the other person feeling wrong about “who” they are. They will attack back the same way. For example, sentences like:  ”you have always been this way…you are just like your mother…or ….you have always been (stupid, lazy, uncaring etc.)”  are ways of hurting the other person but have no real lasting value. You may get an emotional rise out of them but this kind of attack can cause some long term resentment.

Also, People will often live up to the reputation you give them! So be careful.

3. Good battle has no need to win the argument by you being “right” and making the other person “wrong”.  Being right may feel good in the moment but it causes real problems as the relationship slips into a right wrong/game with each trying to get the upper hand.

4. Good battle always has a time allowed for the whole thing to play out. Making a remark while going out the door or five minutes before the kids are home is bad battle and unfair. Define the battle and spend the time. Let each person have time to speak and actually listen to them instead of gathering ammunition while they talk. You may be surprised to find out that you both feel the same way about things. When you get through all the differences you will probably find some logic in what they are saying.

5. Good Battle always ends with the sincere question: do you have anything more you would like to say? Putting a completion on a battle is an art form few of us master.  Completing by saying “…thanks for listening to me, I just needed to be a little crazy.”. or…”I realize that these are ‘my’ issues but they were important for me to share”… or I would not be able to do good battle unless I trusted you… are ways to end battle. You can think of many I am sure. The point is to make sure there is a completion of some kind.

How to always win a Argument.

You will always win when the other person feels heard, respected and loved. Getting your way is not the same as winning. Being right is not the same as winning.  You will always win when you realize that people just want to know they matter and that what they have to say is important to someone, especially the one they love. You will always win when the other person feels respected.  You can actually get you way by explaining to another person how it will benefit them to go along with you. Sell your ideas instead of overpowering or manipulating.

Winning an argument (battle) is not important if you loose the war.

In conclusion: have good battles and remember they are normal part of relationship. Learn to spend time and perfect they art of battle so that you come out stronger as a couple.

If you want to comment on this feel free. If you want more info on how to train yourself to have extraordinary relationships email us. We are a community and business that believes that comitted relationships are one of life greatest gifts.

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Alright , enough already “working on the problem” or “handling the issues” or “Trying to change yourself or the other person”. All this concentration on “the problem” often creates an atmosphere of tension and uncertainty that drains the life out of relationship.  It also creates “the problem” as the main focus of the relationship. A commitment to “solve the problem” has no value when compared with the “commitment for a satisfying and fulfilling relationship”. You see the difference? One keeps the problem as the main focus and one creates forward momentum. Of course, problems need to be solved but not as the main purpose of your relationship.

My wife Nancy and I are work partners, family partners, best friends and lovers.  We learned that hanging out in a lot of drama and issues all the time created us wanting to be apart more. That is because the other person started to represent “the problem”. This is not a good thing. Lets face it, there is going to be something to work on in every relationship, all the time, so get used to it. For those of you who create “drama” because you get bored, I suggest you nip that in the bud and stop that activity and find a hobby. Made up drama is toxic to any relationship.

The “art” is to laugh and enjoy each other. The other person is not a “problem” they are a solution!  I have more fun with Nancy laughing about getting older and all our habits we have developed over the years.  I came out in my tux the other day looking dashing and handsome. I said “How do I look” and she said “Everything is great but the part where your zipper is down”. We laughed until we were out of breath. A silly little thing. We laughed because we figured that we must have reached the age where leaving the zipper down is just part of life. Same with dropping food on our clothes, or walking into another room and forgetting why or blaming the other person because you lost a sock.  Holy Cow, you have got to laugh at the stuff we all do. I include a picture I took of Nancy having fun at the worlds biggest M&M store, Times Square, New York City. Does she look like she likes chocolate or what?

Finally, there was some research done on people who had  a near death or death experience and come back to life. many people reported hearing two questions: “How have you lived?” and “How have you loved?”. If we can answer these questions, that we lived and loved with laughter  joy and passion, then everything else we accomplish is icing on the cake. Patrick and Nancy.

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