Would you like to know the number one question that people ask who are frustrated about their relationship?

The number one, most asked question in relationships is…

How can I get the other person to change?

Most of us ask this question at some time in our relationship. Are you trying to create an extraordinary relationship and the other person doesn’t seem to be cooperating? Well, I have a solution to the problem, but before I give it to you I must warn you that you may not like it. In fact, you will say that it is ridiculous—or worse. This answer is based on the work that Nancy and I have done with over 35,000 people in dozens of countries around the world. We have observed those attitudes and actions that create extraordinary relationships and those that create “so-so” relationships; the answer to the question is based in experience. Experience also says you may have some great resistance to the answer. No matter what resistance you have to the answer, please approach it with an open mind.

Here is how you get others to change: Give up needing them to change.

 This “need” we have for the other person to change in order to accommodate us actually causes massive difficulty in the relationship. If you feel stuck in your relationship, your insistence that the other person is the problem is usually the source of the “stuckness.”

 Our judgment that another person is broken, incompetent, lazy, stupid or resistant may have some sound evidence, but inherent in such judgments is that we, the “judge,” are in the right and “they” (person causing the problem) is wrong. The relationship then becomes a “right/wrong” game.

But, you say, “You don’t understand, I am right about this.”

Well that may be true, but if the goal is an extraordinary relationship, is our need to be right more important than that goal?

Our need for someone else to change carries with it unspoken judgments. These judgments are often felt and interpreted by the other person as,  “There is something wrong with me.” Since the other person has created a whole life around their personality and beliefs, it is very arrogant for us to assume that their behavior is simply designed to annoy us. Most of the time our need for others to be different creates a “dug-in” resistance that will never move them. This is true even when the person sees the need for change and may even agree with you.

Once we have overcome our need to be right about our judgments and can understand more deeply the fact that we don’t see in others what we don’t have in ourselves, we can then proceed to create extraordinary relationships. But remember, if we react within a context that another is wrong, then no permanent change in the relationship will occur.

Once you don’t need them to change, how do you change actions and behavior?

Here are some ways:

 1. Practice giving what you want. If you want love, kindness, compassion, support, and intimacy, give those things. You have to be patient. You have to give without heed for response. Remember the rule of “50”: It takes 50 times longer than you think it should.

 2. Conditioning. When a person does something right or well, no matter how small, compliment them. Keep complimenting on positive behaviors and you will notice a shift.

 3. Fix you. Stop thinking that the problem is someone else. As a matter of fact, stop working on the problems altogether and concentrate on creating a peaceful and exciting future.

 4. If a person is into physical abuse or alcohol or drugs, take the problem to a professional and you may need to get some physical and psychic distance. Sacrificing yourself has no value.

 5. Remember why you loved them in the first place. Love can be recreated; in fact, it must be recreated every day.

 6. Don’t force life. Life is not going to turn out like you think it should. Some people will never respond as we want them to in our lifetime. Love them anyway. It is hard enough to change us; imagine how hard it is to change others. Life will turn out like it turns out.

Bring your whole self to the game and you will inspire others. 

Patrick & Nancy Dean
Dillon Beach

Filed under: Relationship Discussion