I would love to be in conversation about forgiveness and perhaps share my experience working with people over the years. One of the most difficult aspects of forgiveness is the paradox of memory. Events in our lives are cemented into memory by one of two things or both in combination. Number one is emotional involvement, and the second is repetition. If both those a present, the memory of an event is strongly imprinted on our brain.

Every event in our lives from then on is compared to the most emotional ones from our past. If any event even comes close to a past negative experience all our red flags go up we pull back.

Our memory is one of our strongest survival mechanisms.

Forgiveness is asking our mind to completely rearrange our belief systems and closely held interpretations. Since we never forget emotional events, the only way to let them go is through a reframing.

The reason reframing is difficult because to forgive one has to relate in some way to the person you are forgiving. This is very difficult and I think impossible without awareness and trust in God. “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours” but “forgiveness of your brother is proper and right.” paraphrasing the father in the parable of the prodigal son.

Jesus message was clear on the necessity of forgiveness.

I have found personally that forgiveness is not like a line in the sand on crosses over and you are done, it is more like a river and a flow. One continually forgives over and over. I can forgive a person one day and be just as hurt and upset the next day as if a never forgave. So it is a “practice”. A practice of love every day.

The last thing, and I apologize for this long expose, but one last thing and this may seem a little harsh. One should not put themselves in a position where they need to continually forgive. If you are living your life from a constant need to forgive people you have set yourself up as a martyr.

I have found the more I tell the truth the less I have to forgive. The person we refuse to forgive, for the most part, is not other people but ourselves. Being a human being means to make mistakes and behave badly. Just part of the baggage. Forgiving ourselves while not letting ourselves off the hook for our behavior is the only way I am aware of for us to be truly effective human beings.

In Friendship,

Patrick

When we talk about this type of surrender what are we talking about?  What are we surrendering to?

Here are a few things that, if you truly surrender to, can make life more exciting and fulfilling:

1. Surrender to your commitments: “Say what you mean and do what you say”. Follow through on commitments. A commitment is a statement that sets the “game of life” into motion. Surrender to the game means we put ourselves into “the game of life” with all of our focus and determination.

Some possible commitments we could make and surrender to:

“I am committed to marriage and my relationships.”

“I am committed to the actions in my life creating connection rather than separation.”

“I am committed to live my principles and values.”

“I am committed to being courageous and caring.”

These are all worthy commitments. They are expressions of surrender exemplified by taking care of yourself while taking care of others through your actions.

2. Surrender to your past. Give up attachments to past experiences as definitions of who you are. Surrender or give up your attachment to a story whose major purpose is to paint yourself right and others wrong. Abandon your attachment to this story that explains why things turned out the way they did, or gives substance to yourself—an identity thanks to your story. Through surrender you will know without a doubt, that you have substance.

3. Surrender to the fact that you will always have judgements and assessments about other people (and yourself). It may appear that the most difficult part of surrender is accepting the way other people are, or perhaps, are not. I assure you that it is not as difficult as it may appear on the surface. Mostly we judge others because we compare ourselves to others. The most difficult aspect of surrendering is releasing the importance you place on judgment of yourself. Judgments and assessments of oneself and others are ego-driven mechanisms. The stream flowing into the sand and getting nowhere is a prime example.

4. Surrender to connection. Every human being is ultimately looking for the experience of connection. Each and every conversation in life is an opportunity to surrender to this connection.

5. Surrender to joy and pain. Life is filled with joy and pain. The attempt to avoid all pain often means we will miss the joy of life as well.

6. Surrender to the loving of God and to loving yourself. In the Bible Jesus, said, “Love God with all your heart, soul, and strength; and love your neighbor as yourself.” These words in one form or another are written in all the major religions sacred writings.  These words were probably the greatest challenge for all of us to follow.   The simplest things are often the most difficult to adhere to and practice.

In Conclusion, Surrender does not mean giving up, backing down or quitting. It means to live life fully. Surrender allows us to live our lives with purpose and to create satisfying and fulfilling lives.

Today

If you want to add a little more read on.

It is simple to take your relationship to another level. Here are some suggestions:

1. Radically honest conversation. This conversation is based on the question “what is important to you”. A great conversation has a five to one ratio. Five times as much listening as talking! Listen to what is important to the other person, it may have changed since the last time you talked.

2. In conversation, acknowledge everything that is right with the relationship and acknowledge everything that doesn’t work with the relationship without a lot of judgment and blaming.

3. Forgiving them and yourself for everything.

4. Talk about why you originally got together. Talk about the great qualities in each other.

5. Reconfirm you love for each other.

6. Put in an action plan that includes the other person’s dreams and goals.

7. Secretly plan to give the other person cards, love notes, short phone calls, special actions (example cook dinner for them), plan a special outing, praise the person spontaneously.

8. Attend a Relationship First Retreat together! (a plug for the great work Blackbelt is doing!)

Keeping your relationship extraordinary is like driving your car. You need to put fuel in it all the time and maintain it. The fuel is; love, honest conversation, giving with no thought of return, laughter and helping the other person fulfill their destiny. It is really the fun part.

Don’t let your car have better maintenance that your relationship.

If you are interested in a “tune up” we do relationship coaching. Email us at nancy@blackbeltinrelationship.com

Patrick and Nancy Dean

Blackbelt in Relationship

Another way to look at problems: Problems and challenges build character. Problems contribute positively to our abilities. Although difficult when dealing with them, problems give us opportunities to practice patience and compassion. The real gauge of how you are doing is if the same problem occurs over and over. If this is the case, it is time to get some coaching or training. If you have a different or even bigger problem, it means you are moving forward in life!

In relationship problems, whether external or within the relationship, there are opportunities to operate from a position of honesty and trust and take effective action. With practice you will get better and better at solving life’s problems.

If you approach your problems with the knowledge that you are going to learn something and that this has value, it becomes easier to solve.  Our couples coaching is always based on solving and learning from problems in such a way that the same proble is much easier to solve next time. Patrick and Nancy

Sometimes when you are living together over a period of time you look at the other person and you just want to bring to their attention everything they are doing that you don’t like. You don’t like their habits, personal hygiene, speech, how they eat, what they watch on television, how they raise the kids or how they spend money and about a million other things. Your frustration grows and pressure builds and one day you just let it go!  This process is normal. It also may trigger in the other person their issues they have with you.

Now you are off and running in a battle.

There is a difference between good battle and bad battle. A good battle should end by clearing the air and reconfirmation of your commitment and love . A good battle always opens up new doors of understanding. In contrast a bad battle leaves wreckage, resentment and doesn’t seem to be over, even if it is over.

The trick is to have a good battle and not a bad one.

Here are the elements of a good battle:

1. The other person never doubts your love for them. You don’t use threats of leaving them, withholding sex or making their life miserable in some way as a way of getting them to change.

2. A good battle is based in clearing the air. Making other people wrong about who they are is not a smart move on your part. You may not like their behavior or attitude but these things are not really who they are at a core level. A person is much more than their behavior or actions. Attacking someone by making it “really personal” creates the other person feeling wrong about “who” they are. They will attack back the same way. For example, sentences like:  ”you have always been this way…you are just like your mother…or ….you have always been (stupid, lazy, uncaring etc.)”  are ways of hurting the other person but have no real lasting value. You may get an emotional rise out of them but this kind of attack can cause some long term resentment.

Also, People will often live up to the reputation you give them! So be careful.

3. Good battle has no need to win the argument by you being “right” and making the other person “wrong”.  Being right may feel good in the moment but it causes real problems as the relationship slips into a right wrong/game with each trying to get the upper hand.

4. Good battle always has a time allowed for the whole thing to play out. Making a remark while going out the door or five minutes before the kids are home is bad battle and unfair. Define the battle and spend the time. Let each person have time to speak and actually listen to them instead of gathering ammunition while they talk. You may be surprised to find out that you both feel the same way about things. When you get through all the differences you will probably find some logic in what they are saying.

5. Good Battle always ends with the sincere question: do you have anything more you would like to say? Putting a completion on a battle is an art form few of us master.  Completing by saying “…thanks for listening to me, I just needed to be a little crazy.”. or…”I realize that these are ‘my’ issues but they were important for me to share”… or I would not be able to do good battle unless I trusted you… are ways to end battle. You can think of many I am sure. The point is to make sure there is a completion of some kind.

How to always win a Argument.

You will always win when the other person feels heard, respected and loved. Getting your way is not the same as winning. Being right is not the same as winning.  You will always win when you realize that people just want to know they matter and that what they have to say is important to someone, especially the one they love. You will always win when the other person feels respected.  You can actually get you way by explaining to another person how it will benefit them to go along with you. Sell your ideas instead of overpowering or manipulating.

Winning an argument (battle) is not important if you loose the war.

In conclusion: have good battles and remember they are normal part of relationship. Learn to spend time and perfect they art of battle so that you come out stronger as a couple.

If you want to comment on this feel free. If you want more info on how to train yourself to have extraordinary relationships email us. We are a community and business that believes that comitted relationships are one of life greatest gifts.

My wife Nancy and I are work partners, family partners, best friends and lovers.  We learned that hanging out in a lot of drama and issues all the time created us wanting to be apart more. That is because the other person started to represent “the problem”. This is not a good thing. Lets face it, there is going to be something to work on in every relationship, all the time, so get used to it. For those of you who create “drama” because you get bored, I suggest you nip that in the bud and stop that activity and find a hobby. Made up drama is toxic to any relationship.

The “art” is to laugh and enjoy each other. The other person is not a “problem” they are a solution!  I have more fun with Nancy laughing about getting older and all our habits we have developed over the years.  I came out in my tux the other day looking dashing and handsome. I said “How do I look” and she said “Everything is great but the part where your zipper is down”. We laughed until we were out of breath. A silly little thing. We laughed because we figured that we must have reached the age where leaving the zipper down is just part of life. Same with dropping food on our clothes, or walking into another room and forgetting why or blaming the other person because you lost a sock.  Holy Cow, you have got to laugh at the stuff we all do. I include a picture I took of Nancy having fun at the worlds biggest M&M store, Times Square, New York City. Does she look like she likes chocolate or what?

Finally, there was some research done on people who had  a near death or death experience and come back to life. many people reported hearing two questions: “How have you lived?” and “How have you loved?”. If we can answer these questions, that we lived and loved with laughter  joy and passion, then everything else we accomplish is icing on the cake. Patrick and Nancy.

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