Another way to look at problems: Problems and challenges build character. Problems contribute positively to our abilities. Although difficult when dealing with them, problems give us opportunities to practice patience and compassion. The real gauge of how you are doing is if the same problem occurs over and over. If this is the case, it is time to get some coaching or training. If you have a different or even bigger problem, it means you are moving forward in life!

In relationship problems, whether external or within the relationship, there are opportunities to operate from a position of honesty and trust and take effective action. With practice you will get better and better at solving life’s problems.

If you approach your problems with the knowledge that you are going to learn something and that this has value, it becomes easier to solve.  Our couples coaching is always based on solving and learning from problems in such a way that the same proble is much easier to solve next time. Patrick and Nancy

Sometimes when you are living together over a period of time you look at the other person and you just want to bring to their attention everything they are doing that you don’t like. You don’t like their habits, personal hygiene, speech, how they eat, what they watch on television, how they raise the kids or how they spend money and about a million other things. Your frustration grows and pressure builds and one day you just let it go!  This process is normal. It also may trigger in the other person their issues they have with you.

Now you are off and running in a battle.

There is a difference between good battle and bad battle. A good battle should end by clearing the air and reconfirmation of your commitment and love . A good battle always opens up new doors of understanding. In contrast a bad battle leaves wreckage, resentment and doesn’t seem to be over, even if it is over.

The trick is to have a good battle and not a bad one.

Here are the elements of a good battle:

1. The other person never doubts your love for them. You don’t use threats of leaving them, withholding sex or making their life miserable in some way as a way of getting them to change.

2. A good battle is based in clearing the air. Making other people wrong about who they are is not a smart move on your part. You may not like their behavior or attitude but these things are not really who they are at a core level. A person is much more than their behavior or actions. Attacking someone by making it “really personal” creates the other person feeling wrong about “who” they are. They will attack back the same way. For example, sentences like:  ”you have always been this way…you are just like your mother…or ….you have always been (stupid, lazy, uncaring etc.)”  are ways of hurting the other person but have no real lasting value. You may get an emotional rise out of them but this kind of attack can cause some long term resentment.

Also, People will often live up to the reputation you give them! So be careful.

3. Good battle has no need to win the argument by you being “right” and making the other person “wrong”.  Being right may feel good in the moment but it causes real problems as the relationship slips into a right wrong/game with each trying to get the upper hand.

4. Good battle always has a time allowed for the whole thing to play out. Making a remark while going out the door or five minutes before the kids are home is bad battle and unfair. Define the battle and spend the time. Let each person have time to speak and actually listen to them instead of gathering ammunition while they talk. You may be surprised to find out that you both feel the same way about things. When you get through all the differences you will probably find some logic in what they are saying.

5. Good Battle always ends with the sincere question: do you have anything more you would like to say? Putting a completion on a battle is an art form few of us master.  Completing by saying “…thanks for listening to me, I just needed to be a little crazy.”. or…”I realize that these are ‘my’ issues but they were important for me to share”… or I would not be able to do good battle unless I trusted you… are ways to end battle. You can think of many I am sure. The point is to make sure there is a completion of some kind.

How to always win a Argument.

You will always win when the other person feels heard, respected and loved. Getting your way is not the same as winning. Being right is not the same as winning.  You will always win when you realize that people just want to know they matter and that what they have to say is important to someone, especially the one they love. You will always win when the other person feels respected.  You can actually get you way by explaining to another person how it will benefit them to go along with you. Sell your ideas instead of overpowering or manipulating.

Winning an argument (battle) is not important if you loose the war.

In conclusion: have good battles and remember they are normal part of relationship. Learn to spend time and perfect they art of battle so that you come out stronger as a couple.

If you want to comment on this feel free. If you want more info on how to train yourself to have extraordinary relationships email us. We are a community and business that believes that comitted relationships are one of life greatest gifts.

My wife Nancy and I are work partners, family partners, best friends and lovers.  We learned that hanging out in a lot of drama and issues all the time created us wanting to be apart more. That is because the other person started to represent “the problem”. This is not a good thing. Lets face it, there is going to be something to work on in every relationship, all the time, so get used to it. For those of you who create “drama” because you get bored, I suggest you nip that in the bud and stop that activity and find a hobby. Made up drama is toxic to any relationship.

The “art” is to laugh and enjoy each other. The other person is not a “problem” they are a solution!  I have more fun with Nancy laughing about getting older and all our habits we have developed over the years.  I came out in my tux the other day looking dashing and handsome. I said “How do I look” and she said “Everything is great but the part where your zipper is down”. We laughed until we were out of breath. A silly little thing. We laughed because we figured that we must have reached the age where leaving the zipper down is just part of life. Same with dropping food on our clothes, or walking into another room and forgetting why or blaming the other person because you lost a sock.  Holy Cow, you have got to laugh at the stuff we all do. I include a picture I took of Nancy having fun at the worlds biggest M&M store, Times Square, New York City. Does she look like she likes chocolate or what?

Finally, there was some research done on people who had  a near death or death experience and come back to life. many people reported hearing two questions: “How have you lived?” and “How have you loved?”. If we can answer these questions, that we lived and loved with laughter  joy and passion, then everything else we accomplish is icing on the cake. Patrick and Nancy.

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Do you want to have a great evening of learning and fun?  If you live near Phoenix or San Diego you are in luck. Relationship in Action evening events will be coming in July. Bring your relationship and a group of friends to attend this live evening with the founders of Blackbelt in Relationship, Patrick and Nancy Dean. This evening event will cover the popular topic: Couples and Money, Your Money I.Q. It will address some of the most common problems that cause disagreement and stress in relationship. In this event we will talk about ways that successful couples create results and abundance in their relationships.  We will also talk about the Blackbelt Programs and what is available to you so that you can create satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

San Diego, Relationship In Action: July 14, 2010 at the Hilton Garden Inn in Carlsbad. Registration 6:30 PM

Contact for Information: Wendy Retzer  ( 760) 730 3752,   wendflower@mac.com.  Nancy Dean (707) 217 0636

nancy@blackbeltinrelationship.com

Phoenix, Relationship In Action: July 20, Tempe Mission Palms Resort, Tempe. Registration 6:30 PM

Contacts: Lauren Hall at  (407) 545 7754, laurencamille09@gmail.com or Nancy Dean 707 2170636,  nancy @blackbeltinrelationship.com

Pre paid Tuition: $25 per couple $15 per  single. ($35 per couple and $20 single at the door.)

How to Pre-Register:      1. Go to Products page above.

2. Click  on “learn more and enroll today”.

3. Go to “Buy Now”

4. Submit Payment.

5. Fill out last form to confirm and authorize personal information.

6. E mail confirmation will be sent. If not received call 707- 217-0636

Or contact us at : 707 217 0636  or nancy@blackbeltinrelationship.com

The call last night was completely new material on how to have a conversation with your relationship that ends with understanding and actions to create more abundance in all areas. It was fun and the feedback was honest and very cool. Most feedback is on the Blackbelt in Relationship Facebook fan page.

Here are some of the exercises:
Talk with a partner about How you are you are relative to money:
spender______________________saver
Risk Affinitive________________Risk adverse
Generalist___________________ Detail oriented
Impulsive____________________Reflective
Like Change_________________like Security

Money Personality Type that can cause problems in Relationship, which limiting belief can you relate to?

1. The Nanny: “There there, I’ll take care of it for you” sees other as incapable around money
2. Information Hoarder: Info about $ is power, hold on at any price!
3. Money Saint: “I do it all for you and this is the thanks I get?” Control through obligation.
4. Money Rebel:” I’ll spend what I want”, new things magically appear around the house.
5. Benevolent Dictator, “Good cop” smooth things over but always manages to get their way.
6. Helpless Spectator:” I am just no good with numbers” refuses to learn anything.
7.The Power Up: “If it weren’t for me you would be out on the street” control through fear

*By the way, these are adapted from a wonderful book: Couples and Money by Victoria Felton-Collins Ph.D.

If you are interested in being on our Dojo calls, ck. products page and dates. Once a week starting July 13.

Having wonderful conversations to explore our beliefs and ideas together always help Nancy and I strengthen our bond of love. Have a great week and weekend. Patrick and Nancy.

Register: Couples and Money Conf. Call: email Nancy at nancy@blackbeltinrelationship.com for number and code for this tuition free call.

In preparations for this call I want to say a few things about abundance, money, and relationship in this blog. Also, if you cannot make the call, here are some things to think about and discuss in your relationship.

First the difference between abundance and money.

“Abundance” is a state of mind. That state of mind is developed by practice. What we practiced is “trust and compassionate action”.

If you trust God and yourself, and and practice compassionate action, abundance in all areas of life will manifest itself. In my opinion, this principle of trust and compassionate action are like gravity; they always produce a powerful positive result. It is written in the Bible and in the writings of every other major world religion. By the way, I believe that abundance may not always look like we want it to and we don’t always get to choose how abundance comes into our life, our job is to recognize it when it is there.

Money is a medium of exchange that we all agree has value. Money exists because it is useful for performing transactions and it represents time, expertise, and service. We all decide how money influences our lives by giving it power. As a couple, we have developed a “money IQ.” The two of you together have a guiding principle around money, and that forms a very powerful context which determines how you play the money game.

The important thing is to find out your money “IQ.” During our Dojo call, we will discuss that in depth. Your money IQ, as a couple, is determined by what you know about money and what you think you know. Usually what we think we know—all our “beliefs” about money—overshadows what is actual fact. It is critical that we know the facts about money and what it can and cannot do.

Money is a game that you can learn to play. As with most games, some people are better players than others. There are those with a natural affinity toward the money game, and those who have to practice more to learn it. However, I am absolutely sure that everyone can be successful.

I have noticed that those couples that create the most “money abundance” enjoy and love the game. They enjoy the challenge and love acquiring the knowledge needed to play. They also pay attention and don’t worry too much.

No matter where you are in the game, trust is an essential factor in order to experience abundance. In addition, noticing also how much power you give money will directly affect your peace of mind.

Shift your mindset and it will shift your life.

Have a great and abundant week!

Patrick and Nancy

Join us for the conference call June 22 at 6:00 p.m. For information on joining the Dojo or Radical Honesty call “Money and Couples,” email us at nancy@blackbeltinrelationship.com and we will e-mail you the code so you can listen to this call.

Have you ever wondered how to keep your relationship alive and FUN?

Every relationship has it’s seasons; no matter what the season you are in, we want you to be able to create excitement and fun in it. We created a short video to talk about keeping your relationship alive.