For the most part I think many of us are not really in “real” relationships. We are in “entanglements”.  An entanglement is defined as…a complicated or compromising situation  (or an extensive barrier typically made of interlaced barbed wire to impede the enemy).  An entanglement relationship is based on a complicated “dance” where past experience, past relationships, personal doubts, need to control, parental advice, and social influences all mix together to set up a situation where each person ends up defending their position and manipulating the other person for support of their own position.

Here is an example of an entanglement based relationship:

Joe loves Mary. Mary loves Joe. Joe and Mary are in a committed relationship. The relationship, for Joe, is based on the experience Joe has around Mary. Mary’s presence makes Joe feel good about himself. No problem so far.

However, eventually this relationship will breakdown. The breakdown comes when Mary realizes that no matter how much praise, adoration and encouragement she gives Joe, it will never fill Joe’s need to feel good about himself. Mary gets tired of having to intuitively feel Joe’s mood and gage how much she has to pour into the relationship to keep it an even keel.

In the meantime Mary has her own needs. She needs to feel important and needed. She has an agreement with Joe that he will be the one who makes her feel important and needed. No problem with this either, except that Joe has told her a thousand times that she is important and needed and has tried many different ways to demonstrate this and it is never seems to be enough. 

If you look for the principle upon which their relationship is anchored it seem to be:

“We are together as long as we make each other feel good.”  

 The whole relationship becomes an entanglement of never ending needs. Frustration sets in and then the “you don’t make me feel good anymore” and “I don’t feel important to you”, recriminations fly back and forth. Mary and Joe are angry and then begin rationing their support and praise to each other. I will give you  some of what you need only if you give me what I need becomes the unspoken rule of their relationship.

This is an entanglement.  Every relationship has some of this included in it. The problem is that the founding principle that they promised each other that they would make each other feel good cannot be sustained. This is a reason that half the people who get married don’t make it past seven years together.  (US Dept of Health and Human Services, series 23 number 22.  2009)

What will keep a relationship together?  I think if we change our guiding principle from “you promised to make me feel good” to something much deeper we can get through all the days with much more grace.

I suggest the following as the founding principles that will change “entanglements” into real relationship.

 1. Real relationships are based on a mutual journey together to witness and support each other in the fulfillment of life’s purpose. If you are a religious this means listening to God’s purpose for you personally and understanding your partners.

 2. Real relationship is based on the respect of each other as individuals.

 3. Real relationship is based the knowledge that there are days where each person may feel weak or fearful and that you may feel “in love” some days and some days not so much.  

 4. Real relationship is based in the knowledge that no one can fill a hole in you. That whatever it is that you feel is missing in yourself you must diligently work to understand yourself and accept that personal development is an essential and never ending part of the relationship journey.

 5. Real relationships are based on the ability to not take oneself so seriously and “lighten up”. You have got to be able to look in the mirror and laugh at some of the stunts you’ve pulled. Laughing with your partner is like pouring healing water all over each other.

 6. Real relationship is based in apology and forgiveness and a commitment to radical honesty.

 7. Real relationship is based in hanging in there because you made a promise and for no other reason.

I think that we can all work towards having real  relationships and teach our children the same.

Why is it that people get married?
Because we need a witness to our lives.
There’s a billion people on the planet.
Does any one life really mean?
But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything…
The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things,
All of it… all the time, every day.
You’re saying “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.
Your life will not go un-witnessed – because I will be your witness.”

                                     ~ Wife in the movie, “Shall We Dance?” 2004

Question: How often are you in real relationship and how often in “entanglement” and how to you get to real?  Please comment.

Filed under: Relationship Discussion